isolation

I'm really not one of the most popular kids in my school, I hate them, and everything about them. I don't know how popularity really starts but from observing them, I can say that most of them are ignorant, slut, faggots. Too good for you, and disgusted by you. To me, people around me are getting stupider and stupider, and I hate the world for that. I guess I wasn't cool enough to be with them. I don't have a group of friends, I cant group myself, and I don't know what I am. I am lost. I have really never been to any parties, and that's mostly because I am a plain, awkward kid. I freeze up at public places, and I get deep anxiety when I am around people. Why does this happen.

Welcome to my life.

The goal for this is to help others, I know there are others like me out there, urging and being crushed every fucking day. Its ok, you aren't alone, and we can share our life with each other.

The fact that I am making a blog is fucking enough. I am to depressed to tell someone, so hopefully I can tell the only people i like anymore. Before I start I want to introduce myself, my name is anon, and I am 16 years old. I have been depressed since I was 13, and thinking about killing myself since I was 14. I am a 10th grader at west.

I think my depression really started like most of the people and kids, parents divorcing. I knew it was going to finally happened, and it eventually did. It happened at one of my favorite places, an island off of Maryland, I've been going there since I was 2. The news came to me when I was walking back from the beach to our camper, my mom was crying and my dad was silent. That day on I was stuck to take care of my mother, I will explain this later. I didn't know how to react, I could not cry in front of my mother, I didn't want to make her feel any worse. I remember sitting in the car with my dad, "Its going to be OK, mom is going to take half a year away in a home, we will see where it goes from there, maybe it will get better". It never got better. That night was the last night I ever ate with both of my parents at the table. The last time we were going to be a family.

Time went by and it was ok, I was happy the arguments were ending, but was still picturing my mom and dad making up. I remember how stupid I was to keep my hopes up high. It never got better.

Time went on to March, it was my birthday. This month really changed what I thought of my parents. I spent my whole day trying to prevent my mom from sobbing, and to this day, I really never enjoy my birthday. My mom was a very down to earth person, a catholic. Fucking stupid. Her brother and sister don't talk or involve anything with her, I fucking hate them for that. My mom is alone. She has several issues, Hepatitis C, and her liver is dead from her past alcohol addiction. She is a pot smoking hippy, but I don't have anything against that. I remember reading through her phone, finding what my mom and dad would say to each other. What really made a effect on me, was the time she told me how much she wanted to kill her self, and I hate you for that. Shes lucky I am a nice person, I cant see people suffer.

My dad, I cant really understand my dad, I feel like he is just like me, fucking lost. My mom was the one who wanted the divorce. I have been scared of my dad, and I feel like I am still am scared, but at the time, I feel bad for him. I can really see the change of him from divorcing. He drinks more, and dresses more of a douche bag now. He is really never proud of me, and for that, I hate myself. He has hurt me, the only time was when he grabbed me against the wall, what a fucking freak.

I spend my days now attending stage crew, failing classes, and trying to kill myself. I smoke weed not as a escape, but because I enjoy it. I hate how I look, and I have crazy hard time talking to people. I only have 1 and a half good friend, but I feel like they both hate me. I spend time liking some girl, but she wont ever date me.

I have to go now.